3 major heartbreaks

In my life, I have had 3 major heartbreaks.

  1. My first boyfriend that is now so far out of reach, I couldn’t even explain it if I tried.
  2. The first time I lost a best friend; I didn’t even realize a break up with your best friend could hurt worse than an actual relationship.
  3. The time I lost myself. How did I not even notice until it was too late?

(1) The first pain always has a certain place in your heart. You will never forget it, no matter how hard you try. It is enviable that you will feel pain, you just didn’t realize it would hurt this bad. You cry and cry until you are out of tears. You get anxious seeing them out. Do you say hi? Do you ignore them? Is a hug appropriate? Who is he with? It is such a nostalgic feeling when you see someone you used to love live a life without you when you both promised you would give each other forever. A promise you say with good intentions but the truth is, you were way too young to understand unconditional love. Love is sacred. And although I did love you, it was not the type of love that was meant to last forever. Even with that being said, I will never take that back for anything. I became a lover because of you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. For breaking my heart but also for being there through my adolescent years.

(2) Best friends make deeper promises than lovers. That’s what makes the strife so hard to swallow. How did we even get here? Did you just grow apart, and if so, how? How does something like that even happen? My fears became something that swallowed me alive and neither of us knew how to handle it. We just kept silly promises. Through thick and thin. My ride or die. You were basically my sister. I looked up to you. Guess that’s what you get for giving your all to someone. I may have learned the hard way, but at least I learned.

(3) I thought I was changing for the better. Everybody saw it but me. It was definitely for the worse looking back now. How crazy I was to give up what I love. Where did I fail? When did it start, and am I making progress towards myself now? Am I even a good person? I have tried to learn from every mistake, every trial, every failure, but this one is so much harder to swallow. I metaphorically killed myself, and I’m still working on how to get her back.

In my life, I have had 3 major life transitions.

I have learned, I have moved on, and I will work towards a better me. That’s always the end goal.

“Thank you for the tragedy. I need it for my art.” — Kurt Cobain


don’t play

do not ever play with my heart.

it will come back to haunt you;

i can’t promise you many things

but i can promise you that.

don’t play with me. 

bad at love

at the end of the day, i truly think you were a blessing to me.

i believe you were right — i was definitely in too deep.

i thought maybe we were meant to be.

i know now that i was wrong, but please don’t shut me out.

you cannot blame me for trying.

please babe,

try not to blame me for trying.

don’t be mean.

i have always been bad at love.

the roller coaster of us

this is my breaking point. i have finally hit it. i never liked to fight — i’m not confrontational. you know all i wanted was for you to be happy and stress free. maybe you are now that we are no longer together, but do not lead me on anymore. either you want me forever or never. none of this bullshit of “maybe one day”, because if “maybe one day” actually worked out, i would sit here and wait a thousand years for you.

i can’t even stop crying — god, why can’t i stop crying? i just want you. the saddest part is i don’t even think you ever want me again. until i met you, i didn’t even know it was possible to break something that was already broke. it was now or never and you chose never.

i am doing things now that never please me anymore just to fill the void of you. you see what you have done to me? remember when you were so excited with butterflies and knots in your stomach just to meet me? i bet you would take it all back now. it was so innocent back then. no matter how many people i meet to get you out of my mind, i am still so lonely. i am distant, and i want to run away from here. i feel so alone.

i am sorry. sorry for everything i should have said when we were together. sorry for not knowing how to love myself enough to fully and unconditionally love you. i am sorry i got too attached — it seems to be the pattern with me now a days. i am sorry i never asked how your day was. i should have kissed you when you left my house. i am sorry i hurt you. i am sorry i saw a future with you, and hoped it would be us again. i am sorry i gave my all to you — it was too big of a task to handle, i know. i am sorry i started to fall in love with someone new. i am sorry i wrecked our relationship. i am so so sorry to you. you deserved so much more than what i gave you. i know you will find it though. someone will love you better. i am just sorry that someone isn’t going to be me.

i gave you up just to realize i still want you

i tried. i tried to give you up.

even though it was only one night,

it worked.

for that time i was with him, i never thought of you.

i wasn’t stressed about you. i wasn’t worrying about what my life would be like without you, because i was living it.

it was just lust — and i know that.

i knew the feeling was only temporary,

but i was okay with that.

i wish i could completely replace you, but you and i both know that is not possible.

i believe time heals all things so i know it will eventually heal my heart, but i do not want to wait for that anymore.

for me, it is you or nothing at all.

so i will keep my eyes closed and feel his hands on me.

i wish you knew that

you were never my show.

it never mattered to me if the whole world knew about us or just me and you.

you were all i ever wanted and

still want.

i thought at first you would just keep me company,

but it turned into much more than that.

i am reminded everyday about how hard i fell for you — and i hate that.

i lied,

you cheated.

we broke each other in more ways than one, but you were my angel in disguise.

my heaven in hiding. 

100 love letters

this is where i am at whether i like it or not.

at what point do you give up on a hungry, greedy relationship?

i am twenty-one now and that is still young, but yet, i feel like i have already lived so much.

i ask myself why i don’t just give up a lot.

i think the reason why i decide not to is because i am scared.

i am scared of rejection. i am scared of starting over. i am scared of the fallout.

100 love letters could not save me from you.

i wanted him

people think i’m crazy

hell, even i think i’m crazy

i should be over you

i should have stopped having daydreams about you months ago

i should have stopped feeling the taste of your lips on mine

i should have stopped following your trail a while ago

but i find myself daydreaming more than ever,

and if you asked me to kiss you again even though i know your lips are poison,

i would in a heartbeat

without hesitation

i am actually scared i will never not follow your trail

i want you in my life,

and for some reason i cannot cope with you not wanting me in yours

i don’t know what i’m feeling

i am in the position of pain, heartbreak, loneliness, and i need all the self love i can get. life is hell sometimes. my life has walked me through things that most people can’t handle but somehow, i did. i handled it and made it out. stronger, even. i hate saying “it made me who i am” when referring to unfortunate events, because they didn’t make me who i am. they altered me into something i never imagined i could be. i have been poked and prodded. anxious over an ex walking into the same bar. hating myself when i make a mistake because i feel the sudden fear come over me that i’m dumb, and everybody around me hates me. i am skeptic because of past friendships and am terrified to make new ones — they all leave anyway, i tell myself. i have had too many unhealthy relationships. i am scared to go through that again. terrified, even. some days i am so tired — i never want to leave bed. i forgot what optimism tasted like coming out of my mouth. i’m frustrated. i want love but i’m scared of giving up everything. i know i am not ready. i am hurt and still hurting, wishing and praying that the hurt will end. truth is, we are all hurting. we are just too scared to admit it. i am constantly dealing with the repercussions of my past. what if this and what is that. it could’ve ended differently, and that part is true. although my fears and anxiety have stopped me from living for a long time, i still choose to rise. fight against the battle in my mind and follow my heart.

how to get your shit together

every january 1st, birthday, start of a semester, 1st of the month, monday morning, or other stereotypical starting date, countless people across the world declare that are going to get their shit together , me included. i am in no way eligible to be giving anyone advice on how to get their shit together but here i am. so enjoy.

  1. people do not think about you as often as you think they do. so the thing that you are most embarrassed about? it is all in your head. learn to let it go.
  2. when people tell you that you cannot do something, do not do it to prove them wrong. do it because it matters to you. do it because you know you can achieve anything. do it for yourself. do it because you love to wake up with a smile. so that project you have been holding off because you are too nervous about criticism? do it anyway.
  3. kindness goes a long way. hold the door open and pay for someone’s coffee. they will thank you.
  4. withering roses are just as beautiful as live ones. it just matters who is looking at them. give yourself more credit.
  5. buy yourself flowers. you should treat yourself sometimes, too.
  6. consistently failing at whatever it is you are trying to do is better than laying on your bed and not trying to perfect it. get up and master it.
  7. music saves lives. do not underestimate that.
  8. write. even if you are not a writer. we all have potential to express ourselves. just write without thinking, because you will soon learn that your subconscious thinking is more alive than you think. it is also good to express and expose yourself.
  9. i will have missed thousands of sunrises with the time it takes to get out of bed because i was depressed or just tired. fight the urge to hit snooze and wake up earlier.
  10. we are all artists at heart. we just have different utensils. express yourself and respect others for expressing themselves.
  11. the world stops for no one. if you are hurting as you are reading this, understand that no one is even going to care as much about it as yourself — so do yourself a favor and ask yourself how many steps am i going to take forward to make the past look small and the future look bright?
  12. it is good to learn from your mistakes, just try not to stay in yesterday too long. it will consume you.
  13. we all have suicidal thoughts. i think that might be a natural learning curve for people who are trying to change themselves. it only takes one bad thought. you cannot undo death, but you can rewrite bits of your life. a bad day does not define your life. a bad week does not hold value unless you give it power. a bad month will breed bitterness inside of you. it is okay to cry. be kind to yourself. you are a sweet dash of honey to your tea. so smile, please.
  14. TURN THAT PHONE OFF. it is a huge distraction. think about it — what is the first thing you do when you wake up? exactly. place your phone away from you before bed. you will sleep better.
  15. poetry cleanses the soul.
  16. people will always judge you by your initial impression, it is not your duty to make people like you. maybe you had an off day, and that is okay.
  17. it is okay to fail. failure is a stepping stone towards success.
  18. the truth always comes out. let karma handle her business.
  19. drink lots of water and eat fruits. you feel better and more energized.
  20. if you are not happy with your body, do something about it.
  21. read. if you can text a thousand paragraphs within a day, spend at least 10 minutes a day to read something. anything. and that doesn’t include the text that you just got. open a book, it is sitting there waiting for you.
  22. habits are not broken in a day, you built them over a course of weeks to years. it takes time to build new ones. like a bridge from this city to the next, you need to plan it out. take your time. it is your life. how do you want to live it?
  23. you are going to fall in love, but sometimes it is hard to fall out of it. sometimes you never fall out of love with someone. some people are just unforgettable, so do yourself a favor and cherish the good things happening to you right now. the saying is so real it is almost scary — you don’t know what you have until it’s gone. 
  24. listen to a new song at least once a day. you will become more creative and it is healthy to expose your brain to different sounds. i read that in an article once and it really helped me jumpstart my day. go onto sound cloud. download a new playlist that updates every week. you won’t be able to listen to all of the songs in your lifetime, but you can surely try.
  25. life is short. i am still trying to make sense of the irony. social media has made it to where we can be instantly connected to one another, but sometimes it feels like we are disconnected from one another more than ever. get off of facebook, instagram, and twitter! try not to go on it just because you are bored.
  26. when you are around people who you love or close friends, when you are out having dinner — turn your phone off. make the time you spend with them worth something. make it valuable. life is too short.
  27. the way react says a lot about you. try to take everything with a grain of salt. i promise you it is probably not that serious. shit happens but do not let it ruin your whole day.
  28. the risky thing you can do is avoid risks. there is nothing more boring than living life in complacency. at the end of the day, you know what you want. go after it.
  29. keep your financial, health and relationship business to yourself. it is never anyone else’s business, and try not to make it someone else’s business either.
  30. people are going to hate you no matter what you do. do not let it affect you. people honestly do not care as much as you think they do.
  31. not even the most prefect relationship is going to complete you. you will still hate yourself at the end of the day if you do not do anything to change.
  32. if you are ever scared that you are going to end up not being loved by anyone, know that it starts with how you feel about yourself. you cannot change the shape of your nose. you cannot change the hair on your arms. the way that your eyes look. the color of your skin. the way society has molded us to be who they want us to be instead of who we want to be at times. you legit can be whatever you want to be as long as you are happy. so be happy.