decades of depression

12 new chapters. 358 chances.

several months ago, i had a very bitter taste of life. i struggled to find my motivation, my will to live, and all my self-discipline was thrown at the window when life tested me a little too hard. it was hard for me to get out of bed in the morning. i had horrible anxiety, and i never wanted to leave the house. i didn’t feel like myself. i only told a few people about it because i felt weak. i didn’t want anyone to know that i was breaking down in my room almost every night, but i also didn’t know how to help myself. the only thing that eventually helped me was reading and listening. reading other people’s thoughts on it. reading how they existed whether it was yesterday or decades ago. their thoughts on life, love, the pain that made them believe it was impossible, their hardship, and their panic attacks in the middle of walmart on a sunday afternoon. listening to other’s voices speak the words of truth that resembled the thoughts filling my head. it all reminds me i’m not alone in this. to read and listen to the words and thoughts of other people who had/have anxiety or struggle often with getting out of bed made me realize how normal it is to suffer internally. it made me feel okay with feeling bad. that is why it needs to be normalized to talk about these feelings and share what helps. it is still a learning process, but what i know right now could very well help another. i just want to help. if you have hit rock bottom, like i had, you can find peace in the words and minds of others. because they are just like you: human. i will always have bad days, and that’s okay. i’m just glad that other people had the urge to document their feelings — never knowing they will touch the hearts of others decades in the future. no matter how many words and paragraphs i come across, sometimes the resonance still leaves me breathless. i hope one day, my words will do the same.

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