i don’t know what i’m feeling

i am in the position of pain, heartbreak, loneliness, and i need all the self-love i can get. life is hell sometimes. my life has walked me through things that most people can’t handle but somehow, i did. i handled it and made it out. stronger, even. i hate saying “it made me who i am” when referring to unfortunate events because they didn’t make me who i am. they altered me into something i never imagined i could be. i have been poked and prodded. anxious over an ex walking into the same bar. hating myself when i make a mistake because i feel the sudden fear come over me that i’m dumb, and everybody around me hates me. i am a skeptic because of past friendships and am terrified to make new ones — they all leave anyway, i tell myself. i have had too many unhealthy relationships. i am scared to go through that again. terrified, even. some days i am so tired — i never want to leave the bed. i forgot what optimism tasted like coming out of my mouth. i’m frustrated. i want to love and be loved, but i’m scared of giving up everything. i know i am not ready. i am hurt and still hurting, wishing and praying that the hurt will end. truth is, we are all hurting. we are just too scared to admit it. i am constantly dealing with the repercussions of my past. what if this and what is that. it could’ve ended differently, and that part is true. although my fears and anxiety have stopped me from living for a long time, i still choose to rise. fight against the battle in my mind and follow my heart.

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