In my life, I have had 3 major heartbreaks.
- My first boyfriend that is now so far out of reach, I couldn’t even explain it if I tried.
- The first time I lost a best friend; I didn’t even realize a break up with your best friend could hurt worse than an actual relationship.
- The time I lost myself. How did I not even notice until it was too late?
(1) The first pain always has a certain place in your heart. You will never forget it, no matter how hard you try. It is enviable that you will feel pain, you just didn’t realize it would hurt this bad. You cry and cry until you are out of tears. You get anxious seeing them out. Do you say hi? Do you ignore them? Is a hug appropriate? Who is he with? It is such a nostalgic feeling when you see someone you used to love to live a life without you when you both promised you would give each other forever. A promise you say with good intentions but the truth is, you were way too young to understand unconditional love. Love is sacred. And although I did love you, it was not the type of love that was meant to last forever. Even with that being said, I will never take that back for anything. I became a lover because of you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. For breaking my heart but also for being there through my adolescent years.
(2) Best friends make deeper promises than lovers. That’s what makes the strife so hard to swallow. How did we even get here? Did you just grow apart, and if so, how? How does something like that even happen? My fears became something that swallowed me alive and neither of us knew how to handle it. We just kept silly promises. Through thick and thin. My ride or die. You were basically my sister. I looked up to you. Guess that’s what you get for giving your all to someone. I may have learned the hard way, but at least I learned.
(3) I thought I was changing for the better. Everybody saw it but me. It was definitely for the worse looking back now. How crazy I was to give up what I love. Where did I fail? When did it start, and am I making progress towards myself now? Am I even a good person? I have tried to learn from every mistake, every trial, every failure, but this one is so much harder to swallow. I metaphorically killed myself, and I’m still working on how to get her back.
In my life, I have had 3 major life transitions.
I have learned, I have moved on, and I will work towards a better me. That’s always the end goal.
“Thank you for the tragedy. I need it for my art.” — Kurt Cobain