to you,

how pointless it was arguing back and forth about petty things; we were both in the wrong even if we both swear that we are right. the flowers that bloomed quickly died. the butterflies we attracted did not stay long, because they have no need to stay when the garden is withering. we were at war with words. the future burned bright until it started burning bridges. it felt like we were going nowhere. we were shackled to each other. letting go of you was like letting go a part of me.

i once told a friend that everything needs a proper ending — closure. did we even give ourselves that? you feel so far away now. i am wondering why we even disagreed in the first place. we stopped whispering the word love a long time ago — even just saying it out of habit. i might be going insane now. it hurts. why does it still hurt? does it hurt because i still love you? or does it hurt because i am no longer in love with you?

sometimes i felt you get sick of my presence. how did we even end up that way? all our empty threats took away the deep and meaningful emotions — we lost ourselves. we claimed that tears would save us. let’s just talk about it. have we changed now? is this how love works? to see our lover change in front of our eyes and not say a single word until it is too late?

some would call it fate, the way we ended up. i call it broken beyond repair. did you love me because i could fix you? did i love you because you could fix me? sometimes i think it’s both. what even is love? does it involve pain? if it does, when does it end? i know that this does not make sense and it probably has more questions than answers, but back then, you were always my answer. now? it just feels like we are both question marks still searching for something that no longer exists. after all that we shared together, after all we built, letting it go feels like the only way we are ever going to have peace and freedom.

love should feel like the air rushing past your skin as you are running down the street to hug someone that makes you smile. it should feel like blood rushing through your cheeks because you have been blushing past the point of return by just looking at your phone. love should feel like raging from calmness. love should feel like two caged birds making a plan to fly out  — even if they have nowhere to go. i hope that one day we will figure it out. sometimes i think that’s the problem too.

i don’t feel that way about us anymore. i don’t feel that way about you anymore. i don’t feel that way about me anymore. i wish there was more to say than i’m sorry. this is the last bit of the candle — no more wax for us to go through and no more wick for us to burn through. just another sad attempt to end the story. the story of us. just another way to say i’m sorry.

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