I actually promised myself I would never write this. I told myself I would never speak of you again. It never made any sense to me that someone you hold so dear and close to your heart could hate you so much. Almost 2 years later and I think I am starting to understand. I realize the situation was every bit of messed up. I am sorry for that. I never meant for things to get ugly regardless of popular belief. I tend to run from confrontation and you prided yourself on it. So when you were knocking at my door for answers, I was thinking of a way to escape from the window. I am sorry I did not talk to you when things got hard for me. It probably would have saved a lot of heartbreak.
I know you probably will never see this and you probably do not care at all, but honestly, I am writing this for my own selfish reasons. I want to let you know that I am doing fine, despite all your wishes to see me struggle. I am the happiest I have been in a while. Although I am not going to lie, my first breakup was nothing compared to the pain of losing your best friend. Eventually, I got tired of feeling sorry for myself and wondering what the hell actually happened. I was confused. I honestly had no clue where to start until I sat down and reanalysed everything.
Although we had an up and down friendship, I feel that my time with you was for a purpose. I learned a lot about real friendship. Something I realized much later on that we did not have. A real friend does not belittle the other. A real friend does not call you just to gossip about other friends. A real friend does not plot revenge. A real friend does not make a joke at the expense of your feelings. A real friend does not bring drama into your life. A real friend does not bitch about you behind your back. A real friend does not do things for you based on conditions. They do not get hostile towards you because of something you cannot change. A real friend is not judgmental. A real friend does not put themselves on a pedestal so they always come in first. A real friend does not keep score of past mistakes. A real friend does not read your journal out of spite. Eventually, I found myself keeping things from you, because I was scared of your reaction. You made assumptions about me instead of just asking. You never listened to what I had to say, because it was never important to you. My ex was never just my ex. He was “that guy you dated when you were feeling bad about yourself.” You disregarded my race and age, because I “didn’t act like it”. I felt dumb for just expressing my opinions. Nobody should make you feel that way and especially not your “best friend”.
Now do not get me wrong, I was no angel, and I am not claiming that I was one. I know I was a bad friend sometimes too. The difference between me and you was that every time I messed up, I admitted it and apologized. Never did you apologize for anything. You were the “perfect” friend. You never did anything wrong. I also know you think I never cared about you, but I did. I am sorry that I ever made you feel otherwise. I am sorry for not choosing you in situations I know I should have walked away from. You can choose to believe what you want about me but the truth is, I just adored you and your family. I was jealous of the bond you had with them. I wanted to be a part of it so badly. I wanted to be you so badly. I looked up to you even though you were younger. You never had to study to be smart, you were funny naturally, and you radiated beauty.
Now by no means is this a reconciliation. I have no intentions of being friends with you ever again. The things you said to me truly broke me. Never in a million years did I think I could experience such heartbreak (worse than any boy). I truly think it is best we are not friends anymore, but I wanted to tell you that I do not think negatively on our time from when I called you my best friend. We shared some fond memories that I do not think I could forget if I tried. I hope you succeed in life, because you are a hard worker and deserve it. I hope you found a true best friend, one that matches all the criteria above, and you treat them with kindness. I wish nothing but the best for you, whether that is reciprocated or not.