i. breaking up
if you are in an abusive relationship, leave. if you cannot tell whether or not you are in an abusive relationship, leave. if you are not happy, leave. if you are happy but could be happier, leave. if he threatens to kill himself if you leave, leave — that does not make you heartless, you are just trying to save the only heart you have. if your parents do not like him, they are probably on to something. if he cheats on you, leave. if he cheats on you but promises to change, leave. if he does not treat you right, leave. if he makes you feel uncomfortable, leave. if he does something wrong, give him the chance to fix it — if he chooses not to, leave. if your feelings change, leave. love is not always a reason to stay.
ii. moving on
i cannot put this into other words — it is hard, really hard. it seems like it takes forever and it aches in your heart all the time. there is nothing you can do about it. you wish to stop hurting until suddenly you feel better. it is necessary to hurt for a while. eventually, the pain stops, because you eventually forget. drinking does not numb any pain, do not let people tell you otherwise. you get drunk and text him that you miss him then cry harder when he ignores you. cutting does not help either. pain is only temporary, but those scars you are leaving is permanent. do not let that boy become a permanent heartache on your skin — it is no different than a tattoo. delete his number and all the pictures on your phone. unfollow him on instagram and unfriend him on facebook, and do not let yourself watch his snapchat stories. i do not care if that means he “won the breakup” — do it anyway. when he gets a new girlfriend, do not let it break you, and do not compare how pretty she is to you. you are still gorgeous whether she is or not. her beauty doesn’t take away from yours.
have it. or don’t. it does not matter if you are a virgin at 16, 36 or even 76. it does not matter if all your friends are doing it. there is no age that coincides with the loss of your virginity. people will tell you that losing your virginity does not matter and you should do it to get it over with. that is not true. the truth is that whether you are a virgin or not, it does not define you. your intellect, your sexiness, your power. it is not to give away so you will finally “change” or for others to view you differently. it is because it is really emotional and personal, okay? i’m not saying you have to be in love to have sex, but make sure you are comfortable and safe. make sure you want it, i mean, really want it. you cannot take it back. you will not question whether or not you are ready when you are ready, and it is okay if you are not ready for a while. and please, do not do it because your boyfriend is begging you. if he is pressuring you, leave. if it hurts, stop. be safe. it is not what you see in movies and it is definitely not what you see in porn. be ready. if you get sexually abused, go to the police. he cannot touch you like that and get away with it. you are allowed to say no. you are allowed to change your mind. you do not owe anybody an explanation. it also does not matter what you wear. wear short skirts and drink a lot of beer if you want, because nobody should ever lay a hand on you or tell you differently because of what you wore or what you drank.
iv. your body
you are not going to like it. you are going to hate it, actually. you are going to hate your stomach and the way it looks when you sit down. you are going to stand in front of the mirror and suck in. you are are going to hate the way your thighs rub together when you walk. you are going to find something wrong with everything. your left boob is bigger than your right. your eyes squint too much when you smile. your hands are too small or too big. people will tell you that you need to love your body and stay positive. (i do this when one of my friends say something negative about themselves; i ask them to list 3 things they like about themselves.) no one tells you it is not going to be easy — it is actually really hard. learning to love yourself is not the same as learning the periodic table. there is no teacher to guide you and there is no textbook with the right answers. there are pieces of your body that you will learn to love but there is also pieces of you that you will always hate. that is okay too. fix things you can fix. if you wake up every day extremely depressed about how small your boobs are — enlarge them. if you hate your nose, get a nose job. want to lose weight? go to the gym and eat healthily. sick of your hair? change it. nobody should ever shame you for doing something to yourself that is going to make you happy. it is your body, not theirs. change the things you can and accept the things you cannot. by the way, stop looking up ways to get rid of cellulite and stretch marks. everybody has them, but nobody wants to talk about them so let us just embrace them.
my final notes on relationships:
- if you are you gay, you are not obligated to come out. live your life and love who you want to love. it is honestly nobody else’s business.
- do not put a boy between you and your best friends, but also do not put your friends above your happiness.
- try really hard in school (even if you think you are never going to need it). you will thank yourself later.
- you do not have to have a relationship with your parents. even if they are blood, if they treat you horribly, leave.
- do not keep toxic people in your life no matter how long they have been in it. it is hard, but do what is best for you.
- do not drink to blackout, it is not safe nor fun.
- nothing bad ever lasts. have patience.
- you are stronger than you think.
- keep your mind sane.