i don’t want to breathe

these days i find myself searching for reasons why. someone close to me once said that there is not always an answer, just a question. i don’t understand what exactly it is i am chasing. what do i even truly know about myself? a single act of kindness can change a person forever. and i have learned that sometimes it is good to forgive; maybe even all the time. life is so short. it’s bittersweet. i am pretty much a paradox. i want to see the world, but i want to stay where i am. i want to be happy, but i think of things that will make me sad. i’m lazy, yet so ambitious. i hate myself, but i also love who i am and wouldn’t change for the world. i say i could careless, but i really do. i crave attention but reject it when it comes my way. there are the times i just want to slow my heartbeat down, just a little so i can count. i want someone to tell me i am doing this right. life. am i living a life that means something? am i just breathing? are you just breathing? i do not want to just breathe. i want to live. for myself. for others. for happiness. for kindness. for all the things in this world that make a difference. i want to live to make a difference. i cannot tell you how, but understand, i will get there.

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